Don't tell anyone, but we've stumbled across the most exclusive speakeasy in town. No, you don't need to walk through a telephone box to get in. You don't have to drink your cocktail out of a teacup, or remember a password. You don't even need to leave the house. This speakeasy is in your sitting room, and you're the don.
1. Make an entrance
We mean this literally. In the Prohibition Era, bars needed a secret entrance so the feds didn't catch on – side street garages and freight elevators became the new front door. In 2016, 'speakeasies' are now in public lavatories or behind SMEG fridge doors, not exactly what the mafia would call subtle. We suggest you keep it original and low-key: the more obscure the better. Basement window? Skylight? Dog flap? No one will trace those.
2. It's all about the atmosphere
You want ambiance. We recommend dimming your lights down to a warm, sexy glow. Then drape towels on your walls and stack your shelves with empty shower gel bottles. It'll look just like a velvet-lined bar full of expensive liquor.
3. It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing
You're going to have to put on some music, and it's going to have to be jazz. Find the Louis Armstrong channel on Spotify, and see where it takes you.
4. Don't get in a flap over the dress code
Let's be honest, the 1920s look came back hard in 2013. Leo was resplendent in Baz Luhrmann's Great Gatsby, but now it's 2016, and we've definitely moved past flapper dresses and long cigarette holders. Put a modern Berlin twist on the dress code and demand an all-black-everything dress code. A strict door policy will ensure your spot is the hottest one in town for those in the know.
5. Order in the finest contraband
Alcohol – the raison d'etre of speakeasies. A lot of pressure, you might think, to assemble the hippest brands of hooch, and all the accoutrements to make the perfect Manhattan. But rest easy, White Lyan has got you covered. Headed by the eponymous Mr Lyan, legendary mixologist/artist/inventor, this 2015 TimeOut Bar of the Year does revolutionary pre-mixed cocktails with bespoke flavour twists. We love the Spotless Martini – conveniently infused with both olive and lemon peel distillates, it's a tipple that would raise an approving eyebrow from F. Scott Fitzgerald.
6. Think less Al Capone, more Al Calzone
No one wants a horde of martini-drenched guests making like the mafia and ransacking your house for food. To please the crowds, we encourage you to look to the speakeasy's Italian-American influence and order a sumptuous banquet of linguine, arancini and tortellini. Expect tomato sauce everywhere – at least it's not blood.
Looking for more ways to jazz up your night in? Go to Deliveroo for awesome food. And don't forget that if you are ordering alcohol, we may ask for ID on delivery. Always remember to drink responsibly. Visit drinkaware.co.uk for more information.